Give up or not??!?!?!?

well, i always knew i was a terrible writer, i always had difficulty in explaining myself [but i secretly thought i was the best! - well that's a secret] so what happened to make me realize that i m terrible writer?

i hv to take this research based course in college, and find out something 'new' [finding new things is another problem] so well, i did this experiment [sort of] and blah blah blah - everything that is required to find out something 'new' - lo and behold! it is time to write a report

:D - for the first time i actually wrote a report on time and email it to my supervisor and co-supervisor!

my supervisor is pissed off at me for the reason that i didn't go for the meetings with my co-supervisor!!!! [well i didn't know why i should bother going when i was doing things the way i thought them i should do, i will write the report and email the results - fair enough for me]

so he wont be looking at my report at all [well may be he did, i don't know - no one told me about it!] and my co supervisor found 1001 reasons not to like it and she rejected it!!!

fair enough! no problem, i'll write it again, from her point of view [which i also, secretly thought was wrong! i think a lot, ought to stop doing that!]

so i wrote it again! and what now?

she rejected it again. *sigh!*

now what? i don't feel like writing it again! i so feel like giving up! i have done things that i can't explain to her, i have written things that i did, but then thought of them unimportant to mention! God! i decided i'll never write a book, because i knew i had problems beginning and ending things, why should i go through doing this again and again and then again????

so i have decided to give up!!!!

and go back home - this report will cause me my degree, but is the stress worth it?

Sugandh

a letter to my teacher

[this post was written to a teacher, whose teaching style went beyond the entire class, i did not post it then but found it today in the drafts]

believe me i love studying, i love learning things, but now i m in masters, not 7th. don't expect me to rote learn the definitions.

when i make a mistake give me a chance to correct it, because i am a good student. listen to me, because i exist in your class, even if by ill luck!

believe that girls can think logically, and if you accept this fact and appreciate me, it will make you great in everybody's eyes.

treat us as grown up, experienced individuals, not kids, who need to give test to prove to you that you are teaching fine.

put down your rules and expectations for us, we will try to live up to them.

respect our individuality!

respect our intellect!

respect our ideas! don't distribute them to the world.

appreciate what is good, openly! nobody understands your metaphors

believe that we can think and do! don't teach us just anything... even if nobody dares to tell you but you are not liked by anyone as a teacher.

we are people open to talk and discussions, but be open to our ideas, we will try and accept yours.

try to learn to share - it is a good thing!

try to inspire us! try to be our teacher

Sugandh

A thing for everyone!!!!

the biggest question i have ever asked myself and everyone else i know, is why to be? there was a time [well there are still the times, when i don't want to be] when i thought that being was such a waste of time!!!! so i tried to find ways in which not to be, only to find out that the only thing is 'to be' - confusing, huh???

not much!

you can't decide to be or not to be on your own! because you are! now the question is why you are the way you are! what is the purpose? the reason behind being?

if you find the answer to this, you will be satisfied and say, 'sometimes being is good'

i have still not found out why i m? but i have stopped question my being, i just am, although i have been many things in my life, i enjoyed being all of those, but i have not found out one thing that i'll like to be for rest of my life! so the question is not to find the way to unexist - to stop being, the problem is to find out- what is that you will enjoy being!!! :)

i have been a teacher, a software engineer, a writer!!!! [well i stink at it] a poet [:P - seriously] an artist [the work look like a 5 years old :P] a gardener [my plants live though :)] and many small things, but i m not going to stick to anyone of them!

i m still looking for what i want to be when i'll finish college!!!! i might go study more!!! [no i m not going to be a software engineer or teacher - but i still want to study more] travel a bit [never done that, always have excuses] teach - in a different environment, sell a picture [oh! BTW i have done that too]

but i know, if i m - there is a reason for it! i m going to look for it, even if takes my entire life.

being 27 does not mean that i have to be sure about everything in my life by now!!!! i can be as confused as i want to be!!!

until i find out what i want to be - hv fun!

Sugandh

The Political Circus II

my comments on PPP's today's jalsa in Haiderabad...

"people's party is wither delusional or ignorant"

because Kaira said that people approve of their strategies and policies!!!!!

Sugandh

The Political Circus

i pass around 'dou talwar' quite often!!! [translate it to fact that daily - four times!!!!] and yesterday was a MQM rally there, but they blocked a lot of space almost three days earlier. and what was the rally about? Peace!!! i found it funny, a bully complaining about bullying!!!!???

second almost all the sindh has broken into riots - because of the local bodies bill that provincial government passed!!! but who cares about few hundred thousands sindhis - the natives of sindh???? let them burn their own property and destroy whatever little facilities they have - we are going to stay in government, even if everyone hates us!!!

Imran Khan decided to march to Waziristan!!! Yaaye!!! finally someone to go there and see and show rest of us, how people are living there!!! But what???? he never went there!!!! he was stopped on the way and he was ok with it!!!??? obviously, he never intended to go there, because if he did, he would have settled things long before this march!!!! as MFUR (that is my short for Maulana Fazlur Rahman) said that it was a scene in a long film!!!

Hey! wait! i m not Jamat-e-Islami or whatever party MFUR belongs to either!!! it is just that i don't follow them at all!!!! O.o ... i know i should!!!

Sugandh

The Food Fantasies

i m not a foodie - translate it to the fact that i will not cook when hungry :P so well, most of the times i m not hungry even! really!!!! i m only hungry when i m tensed or bored!!!! and exams make me tensed!!!

so during the exams i do two things - i eat and sleep- [yeah well, i study too] and i harbor these food fantasies in which i plan menus and snacks and what not.

my favorite food fantasy is one with noodles - long creamy noodles with chicken and basil and noodles with red sauce and meat balls, noodles with sausages and oregano, just plain noodles with vegetables, noodles with smoked mince meat!!! [well writing about it makes my mouth water]

another craving that i have is of eating cakes, cheese cakes, chocolate mousse cake, chocolate mud cake, pineapple cake, chocolate fudge cake and lots more cakes. - ah cakes!!!!

then i think of drinking hot chocolate - a large mug of steaming creamy chocolate with buns - raisin buns with jam - strawberry jam!!! [yum!!!]

then i have one all time favorite fantasy of eating bar b.q. food with paratha!!! gola kebab, rashmi kebab, bihari kebab, tikka, seekh boti!!!! with raita and salad and imli ki chuttni and pepsi!!!! loads of pepsi!

there is one strange thing about pepsi, when i don't drink it for days, i don't miss it, but as soon as i have one sip and all i want is pepsi!!!!

then ice cream - moven pick, igloo, walls, omore - any flavor, any size, any color, anytime would do!!! :P one simply never fantasize about food without thinking of ice cream :D

so well, yeah! for a person like me - who panics at the mention of name 'cook', own only one cookbook [that also is a chocolate cookbook] and few recipes [that are of omelettes] and hates spending money on buying ingredients for herself!!! this is too much a fantasy- that always leaves me hungrier than i was :P

i can only hope that exams end soon and i can go back to my 'don't care about food' self!!!

Sugandh

My Reaction to every action

it's been a long time since i wrote!!! y? dunno, i was not suffering from writer's block, because what i do is the social commentary of sorts not something creative and the part of world i live in, there is always something to comment about!

so yeah! i was basically being lazy, my hands itching to write [read type] and my head full of ideas, but still there was something missing, like coordination between two - so i didn't write!

and now i m back to write about everything in general, this post is just my reaction to everything that is happening around me, lets start with the protests today in Pakistan!!!!

there are people who are protesting against the movie [i dunno what else to call it, i don't even know how long it is or anything, so khair!] by burning and looting and throwing stones and then there are those who are commenting on it! i just wanna ask people if protests [read burning, looting and destroying] is not the way to protest and what people did was no in accordance with the teachings of Islam and it is not the way to spend 'Love of Prophet Day' [which it certainly is not], just tell me how did u spend your "Love of Prophet Day"? Did you recite durood shareef? did you go to Jumma Prayers? Did you deliberately followed any sunnah?

please answer someone!

while talking to a friend today, bitching about the jamming of the cellular service and banning of youtube - i was of the idea that i can self control myself not to watch that video clip and she was like and in case we came across it - we should have our faith to not let it effect us in anyway! well may be people have no faith!

and then the question is why do they do this, every other year in some part of the west? the answer is simple - they want to incite us!!! make us angry and trust me, it is out fault that they make fun of our religion and our Prophet - How?

if i was such a good Muslim, i would follow all the teachings of Islam and the things would go back as they were in the days of Khilafah! when non muslims used to fear the unity of the Muslims, their faith, discipline, practices. Think about it, we have abandoned the teachings of Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and we have become wayward, and we don't follow what we think is right, we make changes in the religion as we wish. it is our fault that our Prophet is being ridiculed, insulted!!!!

i, as a Muslim, am at fault, for not presenting my religion in the way it is supposed to be!!!! Love Prophet (peace be upon him) act as He taught!!!! or at least try!

Sugandh

a little sunshine - a little hope

i don't really like reproducing things here because i have other blog to do that! but now is the time when i need a little hope in life... so here it is for me on my 27th birthday ...


Oh The Places You'll Go
By: Dr. Seuss

Congratulations!

Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You're on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets. Look'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may NOT find any you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town.
It's opener there... in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do
to people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen, don't worry. Don't stew.
Just go right along. You'll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You'll Go!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.
You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.
I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true
that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch.
You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.
You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked.

A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing.
With banner flip-flapping, once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go!

There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.
Except when they don't. Because, sometimes, they won't.
I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win 'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot.
And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul.
On you will go though your enemies prowl.
On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike. And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know.
You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)
Kid, you'll move mountains!

So...be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O'Shea, you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

:)
Sugandh

Finding Answers

questions- many of them we ask ourselves during the course of our lives, some we find answers to and some go unanswered. some questions are answered by other people - our teachers, friends, parents, mentors- and  to some questions answer come themselves - with time.

now the question here is how do we know, what question will be answered in what way? either we go to people and ask for answers, or wait for the answers to present themselves. how long should we wait, who is the right person to ask for answers, how do we know if the answer is correct or not?

a single question is never satisfied with a single answer. one question have numerous answers, and only one of those answers is the correct answer!

in my experience - the correct answers present themselves with time. even if you have stopped looking for the answer and have satisfied yourself with a make believe answer, the correct answer will always hit home!

and sometimes the answers come so late that they have stopped making a difference to you! but is it ever late to find answers to any of your questions. again in my experience - NO. it is never late to find an answer because unanswered questions eat your peace of mind! making the life difficult and one's brain anxious! the most unanswered questions start with the word 'why', all of us wants to know the reason for the things that are happening to us and around us. some of purely scientific phenomenon, kids ask these questions a lot - why does it rain? why is the sky blue? etc and the grown ups ask questions that are more mythical in nature, why do i exist? why did this happen to me?

doubts are questions too, doubts start with questioning one's ability and motivation for doing this? why am i doing this? am i doing this right? what is in it for me? and much more. who will answer these questions for us? no one! just time!!!! and time is a tough teacher, it answers when we have stopped looking for answers. but still when the answers presents themselves to us, it is like a beginning of a new day, a dawn of new era. it ends the monotony of life, making is bright and colorful!

so to all those, who have questions, keep asking them, but don't doubt yourself! the answers will certainly come!

Sugandh

Confusion Unlimited II

life has often brought me to cross roads, where i am to choose only one path for the rest of my life... difficult choice and i have record of not doing so good at these cross roads...

i might not be counted as a complete failure, but i have yet to reach my potential but given my previous records of troubles and failures, i am again with doubt about my course of action. i tried to get advice from a friend and he suggested that i should get married. i asked him with...? he said doesn't matter, so i suggested a guy and he thought it was not the best course of action and diverted the discussion to studies...

but i wonder for how long i'll be able to study and give myself a world of assignments and quizzes to live in? i have to face the real world! someday!

but then the question is what is the real world? if only i could find out the answer to this question! the ideas and morals of the 'real world' out there does not humor me, in fact, my own mother think that i need to change my ideas! well, i dunno about that! i like my ideas fine enough...

so the question still lingers, what am i to do in future? and what is the real world?


Sugandh

Unexist

i know that there is not such word as 'unexist' in English language, but i have thought about it often!

it is a feeling when you just don't really want to die, but you want to unexist - never existed!
it is just opposite of existing like undoing of baby development

you stop breathing, your blood circulation stops, your mind stops working and then you start loosing parts of your body, your lungs disappear, your brain, your limbs, your heart beat stops and all you turn into is a tiny speck like the first day in your mother's womb, and then  - nothing - you are not physically there, your memories are not there, the world has no imprint of you, it is just like you have never existed! - you have unexisted yourself!



Sugandh

The Role of Woman

well, i do realize that i m no one to comment on what a woman should and should not do, because in my life, i have never assumed the responsibilities of a woman! [but i hv been told number of times that 'toon auratzaat je naale ta daagh aahein, roughly meaning ur the black spot on women race's name...whatever *shurgs*]

so this post is about the woman who said that to me...

she is a mother, a wife and a daughter [count sister too] all roles that any woman should be blessed with. she has this high paying job[122,000/per month- 22,000 are her tax cut- so her bring home income is 100,000 and her husband also earns the same amount], she lives in a posh area in karachi, has a degree from abroad, looks pretty good - but she is still unsatisfied with her life!!!!

because she works she thinks that she is the one who carries the burden of the world on her shoulders, she got married to the guy who was lesser than her in status [this can make another post entirely] but she got whatever she desired. and when she found out that the guy is not what she expected him to be, she was told by her parents that she can leave him and start her life all over again, it was a mistake, she was promised full support, but she never did - she wanted her husband.

she has a daughter who goes to this very post nursery in karachi - a place where most of the people - like me - can't even think of sending their kids - she buys her clothes from mothercare and next or get them from abroad [courtesy her parents] but still laments inflation because she can't buy whatever she wishes.

she have all these servants - a maid, a cleaning lady, a driver - and still she is unhappy. why???? she isn't thankful!

although she told me that i m not good enough woman [because i simply don't bother about certain things] i think she is not a good woman at all!!!

a proud woman must never take support from her parents and learn to live in whatever he incomes allows. she must live with her husband in whatever circumstances or must separate from him, if he is as intolerable as she says her's is. she must make her children first priority not her career!!!! or must not complaint when she gets to hear that her child is spoiled!!!! a good woman must know her limits as well - in terms of dressing, language, and conduct with others.

when i was young my mother tried to teach me that shouting at others wont get anything done - i learnt it the hard way when i started working. a colleague tried to teach me that people just wont be nice to me because i am nice to them or that not everyone would be honest because i think i m honest - i learnt it hard way too! the best way to get things done is to do them yourself or keep reminding people who are supposed to do them!

now this woman expects her servant to be everything that she is not - she wants them to be punctual when she is not - she wants them to be loyal - when she is not [she hates her job and swears a lot and calls the company a shitty company] - she wants them to be methodical - when she is not - she wants them to be organized - when she is not- she wants them to pay attention to detail - when she ignores most obvious of things.

and then she thinks that she is the best woman!!! now go figures. because you work to earn 100,000 rupees in Pakistan you have to work long hours. you are standing out for this, because you want to make your child appear nice, you buy all these expensive clothes [trust me zainab market would do the same job] but you forget to teach her manners and you treat your child as a doll!!! to play dress up!!!

my dear woman! in this world to be a good woman, cleaning fervently is not the only important thing - there is a life beyond that. you need to learn to behave and speak!!!!

Sugandh

me, my ego and then again the ego!!!!

hello, i am back!!! just got done with exams and back to watching movies and cross stitching [when i should be preparing for next semester or working towards my 'project knitting :S]

well this post isn't about me being back. it is about my ego...

i have this huge ego and i just can't get rid of it!!! :(, but i hv been reading a lot of paulo coelho and it made me think that this ego thingy is causing me my relationships!!! in my life so far, i hv lost so many ppl, mostly due to the reason, why should i talk to them first? why should i open communication? blah blah blah...

so SW lets give up and show ppl some consideration.

but i just found out it is useless to show ppl some consideration and let go of one's ego. so now i m confused what to do????!?!?!?!? keep my ego or let is go and explain to stupid ppl, why i talk to them even when i say i wont. tell them that they are very dear to me and that i treasure them and don't want them to go!!!!

nah! not my idea of communication...

this is confusion and at the moment it is unlimited!!!

Sugandh

that - unnamed - feeling

u feel mushy inside, happy for no reason, smiling over nothing, the hardest chores feel light, and u keep smiling as if nothing is wrong, as if you don't have any problems in life - that unnamed feeling - that makes your heart giddy and make you feel like day dreaming!!

and it is futile to fight that feeling - it keep u alert, hopeful for something beautiful to happen!!!!

i have no name for that feeling - even though - right now i feel happy for no reason[ karachi is burning, i have one unfinished research, two unwritten reports, work to go to and i have to face my supervisor!]

so while everyone is sleeping, i am here writing a blog entry about that unnamed feeling and feeling energetic and happy!!!
:)

Sugandh

right place - wrong people!

now this is outrageous! a teacher [the worst teacher, i could ever had. trust me SPM is jinxed] was teaching COCOMO today and it is a well known fact that effort is calculated in terms of man-month, and the teacher go like 'iss ko person-month kar lete hein, take kissi ko aitraz na ho' [we'll write it as person-month, so that nobody can object] and I AM THE ONLY GIRL IN THE CLASS. and i don't even make them feel it! how sick, sad, masochistic the guys are! even when i've stopped talking in the class and have stopped giving opinions because they will, simply, not be heard because they come from a girl and girls can't be good at project management or software engineering.

these guys tell me that i care for marks, well, i do care for my reputation and unfortunately in our society the reputation of the student is built or judged by their marks, on the other hand, the guys - they actually study from the point of view of the exam. 'sir aisa question aye gha?', 'sir formula yaad karein?' and what not! and they tell me that i care for marks!!!

and i despise the teacher, i don't even feel like calling him the teacher! this is not what i am paying exorbitant amount of money for! so help me God, before i explode and give everyone piece of my mind!

Sugandh

the colors

i associate moods with colors. i dunno if everyone does it or its only me!!! here is the description for few of my moods!

sadness

happiness

indifference is brown!

rejoice!

renewal 

sadness is gray and blue!

Sugandh

Karachi

Mausoleum of Hazrat Abdullah Shah Ghazi 

Sugandh

The Morning and other thoughts

i love monday mornings, the way i love all mornings. and i don't like reading texts that people send me all the time when the sunday ends. if you are so unhappy to be working, leave the work and sleep in late. the way you wish to, but don't condemn monday mornings for coming. every morning tells me that there is still hope to make things right, to learn, to work hard! and i love my job, despite all its short comings and tensions. the day i wont like it anymore, i'll resign and walk out - not hate it and continue doing it!

______________________________________________________

sorting out takes time, but i'll sort it out - the thing called my life! :)

______________________________________________________

happy - thank you - more please!

i watched that movie last night. and i find it wonderful! all the problems are solvable :P

and there is this particular song that i m listening to right now - while typing this - never be daunted! it does wonder! nice

watch the movie, if you really want to be happy! don't forget to say thank you more please!

Sugandh

Unthinkable Things

yesterday i stood on the bench in canteen!!!!
:) sat with my knees drawn...
got my paper checked in 20 minutes after giving the paper.
said a loud that i love my adviser :P

Sugandh

the title less post

i am writing this post because i wanted to write something on 29th feb, the leap year, because i'll not get the chance for four years aur kaun jeeta hai teri zulf ke sar honay tak!

so this is a useless post with nothing of substance in it [as if others have got something in them!!!] so well, i have this job, and i am doing this degree, and i have got loads of hobbies, and nice friends, who listen to me at any time i feel like complaining or whining. there is nothing much to complaint about in life.

i haven't seen news for past 3 weeks i guess so i dunno what is happening in the country or the world. someone please update me!

well nothing else!!!!



if i'll never get married because i read books and speak my mind! do i care? no, i don't :)
there is a story behind it - that will make the subject of another post :P

Sugandh

nobody is to blame!!!

ok i m a head strong woman!!! i don't really care for anyone, for example, what people will say or think or what will happen as the result of something that i m about to do. trust me, i hardly hear an advice, i am very rude to people who think good for me, as i think i am perfectly capable of thinking my own good! i was brought up really nicely, in a perfectly decent way, but then i was me.

the reason i just told you this, is because if in future i do something foolish, outrageous, racist, unislamic,  unethical, whatever, i am solely to be held responsible, not my parents, sister, brothers, extended family, God, Islam, Prophet(P.B.U.H), humanity, society and who ever u can think of!!!!

it is just me who is crazy. not everyone who knows me, or knew me, or is going to know me in future. so stop emotionally blackmailing me that because of me the world is going to go to hell!!!!!


Sugandh

what i m doing...

so the things have ended up being like this.
i am sick!!! [usual flu and all]
i have lost my motivation to do research based course
i hate one of my teachers
and
i resent my job!!!!
i so don't wanna give up and i am not going to give up!!!!!!!
but when people were busy inventing new things and coming up with brilliant ideas, all i was doing was watching movies and knitting!!!!
go figures...

Sugandh

Sounds of a Morning

mornings are such beautiful things, they make me smile, they give me hope! every day i wake up, i think i have got one more day to make things right, to try. mornings are like hope, they come back every day :). i look at people going to work, children going to school, shopkeepers opening their shops ~ no matter how bad a day they had yesterday, but we all come back every morning, hoping that everything will be alright today.

there are so many sounds that i hear every morning, like that of alarm clock, of running water, or dragging feet, of toothbrush rubbing against teeth, rustling of clothes, toaster, tick tick of stove lighter, microwave's beep beep, stirring of spoon in a mug, gurgle of coffee being drank, car starting, horns of cars and cycles, buses! news paper boys :D

opening and closing of doors

and the sweetest sound of all ~ good morning miss :)

is that of my students.

mornings are the great stuff

enjoy everyone and g'mornin'
Sugandh

more pictures!!!

in the library in college

in the principal's office at my new job!!! i asked her if i can take a picture!!!

in the principal's office at my new job!!! i asked her if i can take a picture!!!

Sugandh

Crisis Awakens

i read the above words in a book, 'kool aids' and it is so true... crisis really awakens one. people do walk around comatose not knowing what exactly they want to do, until a crisis come in their lives and wake them up! i am one of the people who was awaken by a crisis. a crisis that sent me in deep sleep, making me reject all reality and a crisis that woke me up, and forced me to do things, that i thought were impossible,

reality is different for us all, and we all react to the changing reality in different ways, we don't realize what we have until for start losing it, we don't realize the importance of peace, until a crisis occur in lives and force us to make changes.

i don't really value my life, time or so many things that i have, i take them for granted, there is always tomorrow to finish projects, there is always some other time to call people, to meet them, there is always another job to be done!!! there is always a second chance, but what if i come to know right now that i have got less than 24 hours to live, i am going to write to all the people that i had loved or i love still, i am going to call friends who i have not called for years now. i am going to sort things out, end the grudges, start living!!!

but not right now, because i have tomorrow, to finish that assignment, to write that proposal, to knit the scarf, to eat food, to call home!!!

it is in times of desperate turmoil that i truly realize who i am and what i am capable of doing!!!!

so in my case, crisis awakens!!!

Sugandh

Hijab or no Hijab

sometimes i wear a hijab, sometimes i don't. and my family is ok with it! my friends are ok with it. they don't find me hypocrite for doing this. but i find myself confused!!!! because i can't really decide what i want to do. i like myself without hijab!!!! i look pretty to myself, [personally i don't care how i appear to others, selfish!!!!!] so khair.

when i started wearing a hijab, that was to identify myself as muslim, but then being proud of myself and all feminist ideas caught up with me. and i got confused!!! to wear or not to wear!!!!!

may be it is nothing that important, but it was great confusion to me. [i am anything but a feminist] khair again. so i got this sms today that a woman would take four men with her to hell, her father, husband, brother, and son   if she is not covering her hair!!! [it said hadees]

so well, i thought personally, i don't care what happens to me after i die [well, i think i should] but i really care for what happens to my father because of me. as a child i had this fantasy of sunning away, but i never ran away because i have never wanted my father to suffer because of me!!! [why should he answer for me running away??? ask me!!! but you know ppl, how they are.] khair the same applies here. i m not scared of what people will think, i am not scared of what happens to me, but i really am scared of causing pain and suffering to my father.

and here i would like to add one more thing, hijab or no hijab, it doesn't make difference to me, because my essence won't change, i wont change. so let it be. i would wear a hijab to make Allah happy and to be able to let my father rest in peace!!!

:)

Sugandh

the pictures...

so you guys see that i am not the one for keeping my resolutions, i have been taking pictures but not posting them!!! some i take for my other blog 'my knitting diary' some for facebook album 'bangles', 'friends & family' or simply my own pictures, but i have been lazying in taking pictures for confusion unlimited!!! and i m guilty, but here the pics that i have taken in past few days.

today's picture :)

a tiny dot of light

glimpse of a student life - notice board 

Sugandh

i don't know

i had a heated discussion with my friend, about what i want to do with myself after i get done with the degree that i m doing right now!!!! she is a mathematician type, calculated, organized, well read and informed, resourceful, in short, everything that i m not!!!!

and my constant repetition of 'i m selfish' seems to have worked her brain!!! [ok i m selfish, i'll explain some other time.] so what happened is that in a passing moment [one of the moments when i turn insane] i told her that i have no idea what i want to do, may be i'll leave software engineering, and take up photography!!!!! [well, switching fields is my favorite job :)] and she goes like, S you need to think of your family, you need a career that will pay you well... blah blah blah!!! it seems like she thought that i am unaware of my responsibilities towards my family, my society, my country and people!!! no i am not!!!

i m only a bit confused, because even if my heart is into software engineering [trust me i really love reading all those documents about projects and requirements. even trying and failing to write programs, coming up with new methods for making people work!!!] but my mind is not into it!!! [disappointing, usually peoples hearts are not into things!!!] but i still don't know what i want to do with myself!!! and i m ok with it!!

i don't want to make a difference by being different! i don't want to earn loads of money and having no time to spend it! i don't want to become famous! i am not a genius!

i am just myself! and that's all i want to be! myself! i like to do things on impulse, i follow my feelings, i live to fulfill my dream! thats it....... selfish, when did i say i was not?

so the things ended with we not talking to each other!! [childish!!!yeah] and i m refusing to explain her further what is it that i want!!!!

and this one is my favorite.... [i m not going to make any difference anyway!!!]

when ever something will click to be right, i'll do it! no matter how trivial, conventional, boring it will be. i'll do it, because it will be my right! not others

Sugandh

importance of a degree

sitting in the common room at university i heard a girl talking on the phone, saying to one of her friends about another friend, that she has wasted her degree by sitting at home, she could hv done simple MA, BA sort of degree and enjoyed her life as a housewife!!!

and this made me think that self realization is the feeling that many are unaware of! things are done for their financial or social benefits, not for their emotional benefit!!!! when it should be other way around!!!

i left everything that i had known, after failing one time, i m trying again. not because it'll provide me with great wealth, or fame. but this degree will boost my self confidence, give me a memory to cherish, something to be happy abt!!!!

so happy doing everything that means a lot to you and nothing to world!!!

Sugandh

knitting accessories

i wish i had more, and today we hv got 2 pictures :)

knitting pins & stitch markers

stitch markers close up!!!

Sugandh

you are my...

cuppy cake pin cushion :)

Sugandh

angry as in...

i m not turning this into a photo blog but i m just trying to make sure that i stick to my resolutions.

angry bird!!! :@

Sugandh

Finally

after a week of the new year eve, i came up with my list of resolutions. its rather a long list, but i'll share few things with u!!!!

1. learn XML.
2. learn to crochet.
3. finish reading 'hunchback of notre dam' [i started it last year, ditched it, started it this year and ditched it, and now its on my to do list of this year]
4. learn to relax!!!!!!
5. take a picture every day and post it!!!!

so these were few of the things that i would like to do this year!!!

first goal!!!

i would like to buy 50 books this year and today i started working towards this goal. so here is the list that will be updated a lot of times this year.

1. My Feudal Lord by Tehmina Durrani.
2. An Ocean Apart by Robin Pilcher
3. Pakistani Cooking by Azra Sayed. [over budget and not for me :(]
4. Gardens of Delight by Erica James [over priced ~ could have got it for 40 rupees if i was patient]
5. A Singular Hostage by Thalassa Ali
6.Mini Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella 
7. Persuasion by Jane Austen 
8. The Other Side of the Story by Merian Keyes
9. The Tudor Wife by Emily Purdy
10. Shopaholic Ties the Knot by Sophie Kinsela
11. Truth, Love and a little Malice by Khushwant Singh
12. Spectacular Soups
13. Perfect Risotto
14. Quick & Easy Pizzas
15. Great Potato Cookbook
16. Hot & Spicy
17. Country Cooking
18. Cooking with Cheese
19. Best-Ever Vegetable Cookbook
20. Best-Ever Bread Cookbook
21. Low Fat Cooking
22.I'LL DO IT MY WAY - the incredible journey of Aamir Khan by Christina Daniels
23. Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult
24. Rostam - Tales of Love and War from the Shahnamh by Abolqassem Ferdoesi
25. Cat O'Nine Tales by Jeffrey Archer
26. The Help by Kathryn Stockett
27. Body surfing by Anita Shreve
28. Slumdog Millionaire by Vikas Swarup
29. The Fellowship of the Ring by J.R.R. Tolkien
30. Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll. [finally :D]
31.50 Shades Darker by E.L. James
32.50 Shades of Grey by E.L. James (totally over rated)
33. The Rumi Day Book selected and translated by Kabir and Camille Helminski
34. 50 Shades Freed by E.L. James
35. The Gospel According to Starbucks by Leonard Sweet
36. Mary, Bloody Mary by Carolyn Meyer
37. The Interpretation of Murder by Jed Rubenfeld
38. Shall We Tell The President? by Jeffrey Archer
39. Reader's Digest Selected Edition (includes: The final Judgment, Icebound, That Camden Summer and Wildfire)
40. The Pilot's Wife by Anita Shreve
41. My Fabulous Divorce by Clare Dowling
42. The Kitchen God's Wife by Amy Tan
43. Elementals by A.S. Byatt
44. The Cupid Effect by Dorothy Koomson
45. Operation Sunshine by Jenny Colgan
46. House Wife Down by Alison Penton Harper
47. Bridget Jones's Diary by Helen Fielding
48.
49.
50.

Sugandh

Whats new in the new year???

Happy new year to one and all!!! [to those too who think that new year was in muharam!!! belated then]

well this all started when i saw "50 things you should do in 2012" on Style 360 and i started for any such list to follow! instead of making my own to do list. [i never follow them anyway]

so i started googling the term, looking for other people's to do lists, new year resolutions and list of things to do in 2012. Alas! but in vain. found nothing doable. [i m not going to visit grand canyon!!!! no money]

so i asked my friends on facebook, to come up with their own lists! and they came up with such elaborate lists. missing the small joys of life. like getting married!!!! [even if i want to i can't bcz i hvn't found anyone marriageable]

so here i m on the 2nd day of new year with no planning for the year, except that i want 8 As this year :D

Sugandh