Thoughts on Being Famous and Self-Promotion

I have never wanted to be famous. I have never wanted anyone to know me. I have wanted attention from a handful of people in my entire life. I crave anonymity and solitude. But for the last few days, I have been thinking about self promotion a lot.

I have been seeing these people write articles about things that there are thousands articles on. I have been seeing people at work list the tasks that are everyday maintenance work as things they did. I have been noticing people post their pictures with famous people to assert their importance and flaunt their knowledge. There is so much self promotion around me that I have been feeling inadequate. May be it is the first time I am seeing people who know more than I ever will or they are just good at saying that they know more when in reality all they do is know as little as I do.

This begs the question: what do I want to do in this situation? Change who I fundamentally am (was) because I do crave recognition for my work and skills, or just let things be and continue doing what I have always been doing (not care for anything).

Life has so much been about learning new things every year, but the most difficult are the things that one learns about oneself. There you are secure in thinking that you are basically a good person and not need change, but then you come across a scenario that you never thought about and you question the philosophy that you have painstakingly curated throughout the life. Your fundamental beliefs about yourself change and you realize that you are not who you thought you are.

So this scenario around me - where everyone is blowing their own trumpet - where does it leave me? Do I still need to be anonymous as I always wanted to be, or do I change and ask for recognition in the gaudiest of the ways possible (for me) to get the recognition that I crave.

Sugandh

A Room of One's Own

When Ahsan and I were looking for home, even before we were formally married, i insisted to have a home with an extra room, so that i could have a room of my own, where i could be as wild as i want to be. That wouldn't be accessed and judged by anyone coming from outside. A room that will be the implementation of my wildest dreams and the finest of the luxuries that i so desired. Room that is reflection of my thoughts, ideas, creativity and would house my women, my dolls and statues. 

I have that room now. It is not yet as wild as i want it to be, but I'm slowly getting there. It is my refuge and manifestation of me. I love my entire house but i love my room the most.

Unsolicited Attention is Harassment!

I went back to bank after three or four months. I wasn't very confident in going to bank. The reason was very simple, I didn't want to face the man who was calling me from the bank...

I go to this branch because it is near where I live, I don't have an account in this branch, but I need to deposit my checks, thus I will visit this branch from time to time. If you are one of the people who has worked in bank or held a bank account, you would know that these people have a lot of our information - practically our NIC number. On top of that we are required to fill out a deposit slip with other information at the time of the submission of the check.

So this employee of the bank asked me to get an account in this branch to make things easier. I said I will consider it (for a while I was really serious about that, but procrastination kept me from doing it). A month passed and another, and I didn't do it. One night I get a message on whatsapp saying "Hi!". I had recently switched a job and was making a lot of new contacts, so I wasn't sure who was messaging it, and I had to check the profile picture to ascertain the scribe of the text. The picture was of the bank employee. I ignored the message and blocked the number as I didn't want to be contacted again. The important thing was the timing of the text, it was sent somewhere near midnight. After I blocked the number, the other day I receive a phone call, recognizing the number I ignore it. Timings around 2 in the afternoon, another phone call an hour or so later, and ignored again. The phone calls stopped. I was suggested by my brother to make a complain to the bank manager, but I didn't. I should have.

So a few weeks pass in between and there was peace and silence, I forgot the incident and very conveniently forgot the number as well. And then, I get a call, not recognizing the number I answered the phone and - boom - the same person is calling; timing, around 6 in the evening. He introduced himself by saying "I wanted to discuss the opening of your bank account." My reply, "Since when do you call people after office hours from your personal phones to convince them about the bank accounts. I find it highly unethical that you are calling me at this time, and it is my decision whether I want to open an account at your branch or not. I don't want to be contacted in future." Thus I hung up.

I haven't received any calls after that, but that one call somehow, stopped me from visiting the branch, therefore making it very difficult for me to handle my own account - as I was either going to the branches that were away from my home, and costed me time and fare to reach there. I still fear someone keeping an eye on my transactions. Simply, I was scared of facing that man. I did not want his attention (I am very selective about whose attention I want). I didn't want to receive extra nice treatment or any phone calls.

I now realize why Sharmeen Obaid Chinoy found that Doctor's move annoying. This seemingly little incident had such negative effect on my freedom of handling my bank transactions with confidence and made me suffer from this inexplicable fear. This seemingly little phone call on his part, which he must have forgotten about, caused me anxiety and bouts of depression for few months. Until yesterday, when I took a day off from studying, talked myself into going to the bank, considered a possibility of going to the branch ten minutes drive away from home, or depositing it the next day at some other branch on my way to work, and asking my brother to deposit it for me, I decided to go. I asked a friend to practically tell me to go. And I went. And nothing happened. But I was scared. My heart raced the entire time (25 minutes to be exact). I am a grown, independent, and a very confident woman. If this causes me so much trouble, just imagine what it will be causing the girls who are just starting out.

Men need to understand that if we smile, we are being kind and not flirting, if I write my phone number it is not to be called on, we can make our own decisions and not be advised by every tom, dick and harry.

this is harassment and this needs to stop!

Sugandh

The Political Circus

i pass around 'dou talwar' quite often!!! [translate it to fact that daily - four times!!!!] and yesterday was a MQM rally there, but they blocked a lot of space almost three days earlier. and what was the rally about? Peace!!! i found it funny, a bully complaining about bullying!!!!???

second almost all the sindh has broken into riots - because of the local bodies bill that provincial government passed!!! but who cares about few hundred thousands sindhis - the natives of sindh???? let them burn their own property and destroy whatever little facilities they have - we are going to stay in government, even if everyone hates us!!!

Imran Khan decided to march to Waziristan!!! Yaaye!!! finally someone to go there and see and show rest of us, how people are living there!!! But what???? he never went there!!!! he was stopped on the way and he was ok with it!!!??? obviously, he never intended to go there, because if he did, he would have settled things long before this march!!!! as MFUR (that is my short for Maulana Fazlur Rahman) said that it was a scene in a long film!!!

Hey! wait! i m not Jamat-e-Islami or whatever party MFUR belongs to either!!! it is just that i don't follow them at all!!!! O.o ... i know i should!!!

Sugandh

The Role of Woman

well, i do realize that i m no one to comment on what a woman should and should not do, because in my life, i have never assumed the responsibilities of a woman! [but i hv been told number of times that 'toon auratzaat je naale ta daagh aahein, roughly meaning ur the black spot on women race's name...whatever *shurgs*]

so this post is about the woman who said that to me...

she is a mother, a wife and a daughter [count sister too] all roles that any woman should be blessed with. she has this high paying job[122,000/per month- 22,000 are her tax cut- so her bring home income is 100,000 and her husband also earns the same amount], she lives in a posh area in karachi, has a degree from abroad, looks pretty good - but she is still unsatisfied with her life!!!!

because she works she thinks that she is the one who carries the burden of the world on her shoulders, she got married to the guy who was lesser than her in status [this can make another post entirely] but she got whatever she desired. and when she found out that the guy is not what she expected him to be, she was told by her parents that she can leave him and start her life all over again, it was a mistake, she was promised full support, but she never did - she wanted her husband.

she has a daughter who goes to this very post nursery in karachi - a place where most of the people - like me - can't even think of sending their kids - she buys her clothes from mothercare and next or get them from abroad [courtesy her parents] but still laments inflation because she can't buy whatever she wishes.

she have all these servants - a maid, a cleaning lady, a driver - and still she is unhappy. why???? she isn't thankful!

although she told me that i m not good enough woman [because i simply don't bother about certain things] i think she is not a good woman at all!!!

a proud woman must never take support from her parents and learn to live in whatever he incomes allows. she must live with her husband in whatever circumstances or must separate from him, if he is as intolerable as she says her's is. she must make her children first priority not her career!!!! or must not complaint when she gets to hear that her child is spoiled!!!! a good woman must know her limits as well - in terms of dressing, language, and conduct with others.

when i was young my mother tried to teach me that shouting at others wont get anything done - i learnt it the hard way when i started working. a colleague tried to teach me that people just wont be nice to me because i am nice to them or that not everyone would be honest because i think i m honest - i learnt it hard way too! the best way to get things done is to do them yourself or keep reminding people who are supposed to do them!

now this woman expects her servant to be everything that she is not - she wants them to be punctual when she is not - she wants them to be loyal - when she is not [she hates her job and swears a lot and calls the company a shitty company] - she wants them to be methodical - when she is not - she wants them to be organized - when she is not- she wants them to pay attention to detail - when she ignores most obvious of things.

and then she thinks that she is the best woman!!! now go figures. because you work to earn 100,000 rupees in Pakistan you have to work long hours. you are standing out for this, because you want to make your child appear nice, you buy all these expensive clothes [trust me zainab market would do the same job] but you forget to teach her manners and you treat your child as a doll!!! to play dress up!!!

my dear woman! in this world to be a good woman, cleaning fervently is not the only important thing - there is a life beyond that. you need to learn to behave and speak!!!!

Sugandh

What the...

don't read this post, if you are too sensitive...

a muslim cleric somewhere in the world thinks that women shouldn't touch bananas or cucumbers because they might make them think of men's penis...

what the fuck!!!???? what does he think? women are as uncontrollable as men???
i feel like beating him up. this is how they represent Islam to the world. who already think that we are barbaric and inhuman!!!!

the man must be sick, or out of his mind. the public is laughing, calling Islam as sex obsessed religion!!!
this is not how it is suppose to be!!!!!

:(
Sugandh

Thoughts

most of the times when i have got an interesting title, i have got nothing to write and when i have got something to write i don't have a title!!!!!

so well, i just finished watching the movie 'julie and julia'. amazing movie, inspiring and happy in the end!!!! ah i m in awe of cooks. actually i m in awe of everyone who can cook. i am just not one of them!!!!!!! :( even when i want to cook, i don't!!!!!!! i have no idea, why???????

well, people sometimes don't know what they want, but most of the times they know what do they want!!!! i just don't know all the time what i want!!!!! :/

i had a job, a salary and a future [despite being a bleak one] but i left it for doing masters in ... software engineering. when i have forgotten half the computer languages i learnt in undergraduate program. when i am in doubt of ever finding a job! and then i have very less fund to complete this degree and the institute i chose have no scholarships for masters, so i have to apply for a general scholarship, but for that i have to give a GAT test first and that is in November and by that the last date for scholarship would be way too behind!!!!!!! Phew!!!!! i said it all. so i dunno what do i want!!!

life can be confusing, but then that's life. if it is not confusing, then u really don't have life!!!!!

enjoy, while you can and i read 38th book of the year.
Sugandh

Birthday Blues

one of my students said, "miss how old are you?"
i said, "25 years."
she said, "you are too old. you should get married or at least get engaged. miss XYZ is younger than you, but she is already engaged."

my brother said, "i live with three old women" (referring to mom, me and our sister)
i said, "i don't feel old, when i was 19 i thought that by the age of 25 i'll be doomed, too old to do anything, but now i don't feel old enough."
he said, "whatever!"

ha! people think that i m too old, but ask me i just started living and making sense of myself :)
happy 26th birthday SW!




Sugandh

Freedom of Speech and other thoughts...

Freedom of Speech
i certainly enjoy freedom of speech, because i mostly say what i feel like, but freedom of speech doesn't mean that i m allowed to hurt anyone. we are morally responsible individuals. it is true that freedom of speech is one of the greatest right of every human being, but we should also make sure that nobody get hurt by whatever we say.

i believe in many things and i don't believe in many things as well, but if i m to live in this society then i have to make sure that i live here as peacefully as possible without causing pain and grief to anyone around me. now if people think that Islam is the religion that put ban on freedom of speech, they are wrong. Islam put ban on hurting anyone. so if some individual is not following this and saying things vice versa then that individual is mistaken, because most of the times people don't take things at their face value, they interpret things as they wish to!!!! Allah has granted us the permission to ask questions and seek knowledge, and those who have understood the truth about this universe have understood the truth about Allah.

making caricatures of Prophet Muhammad [P.B.U.H] can represent freedom of speech to few, but it causes pain to millions of Muslims. whatever u prefer????? peace among different religions or animosity in the world!!! we need to learn to respect the values of each other!!!

*Ethical Will*
so i read this in reader's digest - an article by Beth Dreher - that everyone needs to write down something for their future generations, for their kids, grand kids or anyone at all, something that represent who you actually are, what u believed in, what u expected from life and what you got from it!!!! so many things that one can tell its children!!! Nice Idea.


\Insulting Others/
insulting others is an art that i never mastered. i just can't make them feel insulted enough :(... but his thing is a master piece, it is by T.S. Elliot on Henry James

" he had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it."

Sugandh

Random Thoughts

Writing
writing have therapeutic effect on human beings. if my mind is overflowing with thoughts and i can not manage them i start to write them down. then they start making sense, they start linking to each other and i feel that i am emptying myself. pouring myself out. though there may not be anyone who would read what i write, and my writing is not intended for reading [except for the blogs and tweets and notes on FB] as well, but still i write them down. speak away things via pen and paper and get done with the burden on my soul. i feel light, not happy but still less sad and sleepy. :)

Exams:
i have to appear in exams for my sunday classes and as a result i'll get a bachelors degree in education!!!!! one thing i learned that if anything is wrong with Pakistan, it is its teachers!!!! they r the one who train the future leaders and honestly speaking the teachers [most of them] are lazy, uninterested in learning and innovating, unable to do things differently and uncreative!!!! they do not deserve to be teachers!!!! and guess what they all are going to get this license for teaching and opening their own educational institute!!! SAD :(

Resignation
i left my teaching job because i m going back to university for my further studies! and after my studies i might never teach again and find a job as a software engineer! i might never even use the degree that i'll get in education, but the experiences that i got from teaching are priceless. my teaching job supported me when i was totally in ruins and had no hope for future. it got me the unconditional love of my students. it taught me how to tolerate people and listen to others. it gave me self confidence when i was left with none. i dunno how much i taught others but one thing is certain that i learnt a lot from teaching others!!!! these are the experiences that i'll never ever forget or want to forget! :) 

Sugandh

Innovative Teacher

During the teaching of scientific subjects a teacher must learn to be innovative. It is wrong to think that all children are destructive and can not be trusted. The truth is otherwise. Children are constructive, happy and energetic human beings. They like to be trusted and taking responsibilities. In the same way people in the surrounding environment of the children are not as vice as a teacher may think.

Trying out new techniques, in itself, is not a bad idea, neither any sensible person would deny it. Trying out techniques that fail, again and again is a bad idea. Any teacher should be able to reflect upon his/her teaching methods. They should be able to point out the weak and strong points of their teaching and overcome his/her weakness.

An innovative teacher is one, who is never scared to learn. Innovative teacher is ever ready to experiment with established teaching methods and techniques. An innovative teacher is open to criticism and use it positively to eradicate his/her weaknesses. (s)he is always learning and trying out new things. Teaching and experimenting with the new techniques and mechanisms.

During the training class teachers came up with the following arguments against using new teaching methods.

There is a general conception that children in our public schools are destructive and unaware of using various equipments used in science teaching, because of the backgrounds they come from. I think that the reason behind this concept is that teachers never try new methods with them and never trust them with anything. If a teacher take students in confidence and tell them about the value of equipment and the practical they are going to do, kids will very careful with the handling of the equipments and other  resources.

The other reason that most teachers give is that they have got limited time to complete mammoth syllabus. I think that by involving students in research and teaching process, teachers can lessen their burden and make the syllabus interesting and easy for children to understand. it only needs dedication on part of the teacher to think of new ideas.

There is a lack of resources and limited resources are kept safe, was another argument. A teacher should be able to design and collect his/her own resources. A teacher has every right to reason with the custodian of the resources. Trust should be built and expectations should be met to get access to those resources.

One last and general advice for teachers is to use effective time management routine. Instead of wasting time and chatting or doing personal work they should concentrate on teaching and making it easier for themselves and their students. All great teachers did not wait for someone to come and wake them up or make them do great things. They took initiative themselves and started changing things.

Realization - first step to change

Teacher: I know all of you are very intelligent! [humorously] or anybody has objection?
Me: Sir, I have objection.
Teacher: I know you would have!


X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

convo ended, we carried on with the teaching. this is the part of conversation that took place today in the CI [Curriculum and Instruction] class.

now the question is why do i have an objection on being called intelligent?
because if we don't realize the truth about ourselves, we'll never change ourselves. and the truth is that we are far away from being intelligent. [individual cases ignored]
 Most of my colleagues during the sunday class come to enjoy themselves, or to get a degree for sake of a rise or teacher's allowance. there are no people there who go there to learn. and i mean seriously learn. our ground realities are far from being ideal! we cheat, we lie, we copy, we waste time, we joke...  but we don't realize any of that.

I love thinking of myself as intelligent, I love to hear it from people, but when i assess myself, I have got a long way to go before I finally end up being intelligent. this realization will help me change whatever is wrong in me, whatever needs improvement, whatever needs to be corrected, avoided, deleted, updated...etc etc. but if i run away from realizing that i have got room for improvement, i'll end up being mediocre, just average not intelligent. so i don't want my teacher to call any of us intelligent!!!! we are in for "Rude Awakening!"

Miscellaneous Thoughts

Everybody has been cursing the President of Pakistan lately, but i wonder why they are doing so??? They chose People's Party themselves after the elections of 2008! although they gave them Condolence vote, but they did themselves. Now good or bad, they are the rulers, and as Muslims, we should not say anything bad about our rulers, but we should support them with their plans, and if we don't agree with their plans, or think that they are corrupt, or not fit to rule us, we should openly campaign against them,  not talk bad about them!

Allah is very merciful and Allah choose for us as we are like. We should first assess ourselves.

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Urdu channels in Pakistan, particularly Geo isn't broadcasting anything about the flood situation in Sindh, they mention it in passing, as if it was something small... that's heart breaking, we are part of this nation too and Sindh is not only Karachi, it is Kashmore, Larkana, Jacobabad and all other districts too!!! we are in need, we need help and prayers.

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When one is facing any difficult situation, one should read this dua:

This dua was said by Hazrat Younus (AS) while he was in the stomach of a big fish.

May Allah have mercy on all of us and protect us from the calamity of flood.