Crisis Awakens

i read the above words in a book, 'kool aids' and it is so true... crisis really awakens one. people do walk around comatose not knowing what exactly they want to do, until a crisis come in their lives and wake them up! i am one of the people who was awaken by a crisis. a crisis that sent me in deep sleep, making me reject all reality and a crisis that woke me up, and forced me to do things, that i thought were impossible,

reality is different for us all, and we all react to the changing reality in different ways, we don't realize what we have until for start losing it, we don't realize the importance of peace, until a crisis occur in lives and force us to make changes.

i don't really value my life, time or so many things that i have, i take them for granted, there is always tomorrow to finish projects, there is always some other time to call people, to meet them, there is always another job to be done!!! there is always a second chance, but what if i come to know right now that i have got less than 24 hours to live, i am going to write to all the people that i had loved or i love still, i am going to call friends who i have not called for years now. i am going to sort things out, end the grudges, start living!!!

but not right now, because i have tomorrow, to finish that assignment, to write that proposal, to knit the scarf, to eat food, to call home!!!

it is in times of desperate turmoil that i truly realize who i am and what i am capable of doing!!!!

so in my case, crisis awakens!!!

Sugandh

Hijab or no Hijab

sometimes i wear a hijab, sometimes i don't. and my family is ok with it! my friends are ok with it. they don't find me hypocrite for doing this. but i find myself confused!!!! because i can't really decide what i want to do. i like myself without hijab!!!! i look pretty to myself, [personally i don't care how i appear to others, selfish!!!!!] so khair.

when i started wearing a hijab, that was to identify myself as muslim, but then being proud of myself and all feminist ideas caught up with me. and i got confused!!! to wear or not to wear!!!!!

may be it is nothing that important, but it was great confusion to me. [i am anything but a feminist] khair again. so i got this sms today that a woman would take four men with her to hell, her father, husband, brother, and son   if she is not covering her hair!!! [it said hadees]

so well, i thought personally, i don't care what happens to me after i die [well, i think i should] but i really care for what happens to my father because of me. as a child i had this fantasy of sunning away, but i never ran away because i have never wanted my father to suffer because of me!!! [why should he answer for me running away??? ask me!!! but you know ppl, how they are.] khair the same applies here. i m not scared of what people will think, i am not scared of what happens to me, but i really am scared of causing pain and suffering to my father.

and here i would like to add one more thing, hijab or no hijab, it doesn't make difference to me, because my essence won't change, i wont change. so let it be. i would wear a hijab to make Allah happy and to be able to let my father rest in peace!!!

:)

Sugandh

the pictures...

so you guys see that i am not the one for keeping my resolutions, i have been taking pictures but not posting them!!! some i take for my other blog 'my knitting diary' some for facebook album 'bangles', 'friends & family' or simply my own pictures, but i have been lazying in taking pictures for confusion unlimited!!! and i m guilty, but here the pics that i have taken in past few days.

today's picture :)

a tiny dot of light

glimpse of a student life - notice board 

Sugandh

i don't know

i had a heated discussion with my friend, about what i want to do with myself after i get done with the degree that i m doing right now!!!! she is a mathematician type, calculated, organized, well read and informed, resourceful, in short, everything that i m not!!!!

and my constant repetition of 'i m selfish' seems to have worked her brain!!! [ok i m selfish, i'll explain some other time.] so what happened is that in a passing moment [one of the moments when i turn insane] i told her that i have no idea what i want to do, may be i'll leave software engineering, and take up photography!!!!! [well, switching fields is my favorite job :)] and she goes like, S you need to think of your family, you need a career that will pay you well... blah blah blah!!! it seems like she thought that i am unaware of my responsibilities towards my family, my society, my country and people!!! no i am not!!!

i m only a bit confused, because even if my heart is into software engineering [trust me i really love reading all those documents about projects and requirements. even trying and failing to write programs, coming up with new methods for making people work!!!] but my mind is not into it!!! [disappointing, usually peoples hearts are not into things!!!] but i still don't know what i want to do with myself!!! and i m ok with it!!

i don't want to make a difference by being different! i don't want to earn loads of money and having no time to spend it! i don't want to become famous! i am not a genius!

i am just myself! and that's all i want to be! myself! i like to do things on impulse, i follow my feelings, i live to fulfill my dream! thats it....... selfish, when did i say i was not?

so the things ended with we not talking to each other!! [childish!!!yeah] and i m refusing to explain her further what is it that i want!!!!

and this one is my favorite.... [i m not going to make any difference anyway!!!]

when ever something will click to be right, i'll do it! no matter how trivial, conventional, boring it will be. i'll do it, because it will be my right! not others

Sugandh

importance of a degree

sitting in the common room at university i heard a girl talking on the phone, saying to one of her friends about another friend, that she has wasted her degree by sitting at home, she could hv done simple MA, BA sort of degree and enjoyed her life as a housewife!!!

and this made me think that self realization is the feeling that many are unaware of! things are done for their financial or social benefits, not for their emotional benefit!!!! when it should be other way around!!!

i left everything that i had known, after failing one time, i m trying again. not because it'll provide me with great wealth, or fame. but this degree will boost my self confidence, give me a memory to cherish, something to be happy abt!!!!

so happy doing everything that means a lot to you and nothing to world!!!

Sugandh

knitting accessories

i wish i had more, and today we hv got 2 pictures :)

knitting pins & stitch markers

stitch markers close up!!!

Sugandh

you are my...

cuppy cake pin cushion :)

Sugandh